D

Four altar boys grow up and read comics.

The best way to describe this is Stand By Me frequently interrupted by Spawn. The four main characters are budding cartoonists and the film often shifts to their cartoon-in-the-making, wherein they battle their evil nemesis PegLeg, the incarnation of their hated nun schoolteacher. It's one of those 'coming-of-age' things, where the guys drink, do drugs, vandalize stuff, and date girls. Pleasant to watch, but it's just a retelling of every other similar movie, except it has a cartoon in it. Still, it's acceptable, occasionally funny, and has a rather predictable ending.

*** out of *****

Guy floats away from old life

Now and then, you gotta slip one of those really feel-good movies in your schedule. One that makes you glow and feel happy and enjoy life. This is a perfect example of that type of film. The main character is clever and enjoyably lighthearted - very easily likeable. Other characters, while somewhat underdeveloped and underutilized, are characterized enough to form a cohesive environment. The film is not so much based on as the concept is lifted from a real event, although the social drama and entire second half of the film is fiction. The film's humor doesn't come so much from slapstick or punchlines as much as it is situational and upbeatness. At one point, Danny, high on life and walking across a low bridge, spontaneously strips to his underwear and jumps off in the middle of traffic. It's that kind of silliness that powers this good-hearted film.

**** out of *****

Daredevil from Marvel Comics in a comic book adventure.

If there was ever an prime example of style over substance, this would be it. I never once got past the fact that I was watching Ben Affleck, not Matt Murdock. The supporting characters are mere filler, a huge lost opportunity wasted on romance between Matt and Elektra. Hello? Comic book geeks are watching! They want Daredevil action, not pithy Enquirer scandal stories! The first battle scene is nearly incomprehensible and unwatchable - you can't tell what's going on. Daredevil wantonly kills and then claims to be the good guy, exemplifying his hypocrisy in the grand finale against a truly poor and PC casting choice of the Kingpin by Michael Clarke Duncan. Even the acrobatic CG is jarringly bad on a Blade 2 scale. The only good part of the film is Bullseye who embodies the flair and professionalism that everyone else in this film lacks.

*1/2 out of *****

Evil tooth fairy.

Absolute, stereotypical, run-of-the-mill monster movie. The monster has absolutely no depth. This is what they release when they want to make a quick buck off the public: a cheaply-made, PG13, jump-out-atcha film. It was 100% predictable, had cookie-cutter characters, and a straightedge plot. Then again, those movies can be fun. Because then they can stick lines in the movie that make fun of what you know is going to happen. This kinda thing lets you yell at the screen, "No, you idiot! Don't go in there! Don't split up! Behind you!" That's gotta count for something.

** out of *****

Cupcake tins, sewing kits, beach balls, and space demolition.

Wow, dumber than advertised! While this film contains a number of good laughs, be prepared for the fact that many of them are due to this movie's spectacularly low budget (it was John Carpenter's student film) and high school acting. Billed as a parody, I'd prefer if it was a little more deliberate. It also results in some dialogue being hard to understand. Then again, it was made in the 1970s. Sets often have no backdrop, data equipment is an 8-track with a sticker on it, and space food is vaguely reminiscent of condiment packets. If you're willing to experience hilariously bad filmmaking by a future major director, go for it. We watched the Director's Cut because I don't think we could've sat through the uncut version.

** out of *****

An experiment in prison culture gone wrong.

This is a fantastic science-gone-wrong film, although the science is sociology rather than any sci-fi future. It's German, but those of you who have seen Run Lola Run may recognize the lead character. The quality is excellent and the characters are quite well-defined. It definitely conveys a sense of out-of-control towards the end. Towards the beginning, it appears disjointed and as it goes along, it maintains some predictability, but it throws enough shocks and tension your way to keep it exciting and engaging. Recommended.

**** out of *****

There's plenty to be said in favor of The Da Vinci Code as a film. It is certainly worth the money in quantity of film, being over two hours long. There is an intriguing story that incorporates the methodology of Ninth Gate but with the less hellish tone and subject matter more befitting Tom Clancy, if he wrote books about religion. The characters are good, standard performances by their respective actors, in a combination of talents that is fresh and new (I wish Jean Reno had a more thorough role, tho). The plot, concerning a search for a uniquely-interpreted holy grail in modern day, is convoluted enough to present a challenge, and just below the threshhold of being confusing. While there are plot holes, they are not gaping enough to savage the enjoyment of the film. What's missing is an unexpected ending. There are a few twists leading up to it, but once you know what the main characters are searching for, you immediately know the solution. It isn't even subtle, which rather takes the wind out of the film's sails. Most of the fun is in the revelations and such in getting to the conclusion. The ending itself is merely by-the-numbers predictable. The trip is worth the destination, but the destination isn't worth the trip.

***1/2 out of *****

Brains!! pt. 2

This is probably my favorite of the trilogy (or quadrilogy if you count the recently-released Land of the Dead). We saw the 2004 remake which is probably blasphemy to purists, but I felt a newer version would have a better chance with me. Luckily, I was right - the film has pretty intense scenes but is more of a survivalist/action film. Lots of running, shooting, and Survivor-style drama...well, in a shopping mall. The gore level is high and quite a shock to jump from the 60's original Night of the Living Dead. Some of the gross situations are a little too gratuitous. Unfortunately, someone thought it'd be scarier to make the zombies run, like 28 Days Later, which doesn't match the original plan. The best part is the first 10 minutes, tho, which totally rocks. It gets right into the action without much hesitation, and that's before the credits roll. Be sure to see the Unrated version.

***1/2 out of *****

Special effects destroy the planet.

Wow, cool, the flooding of NY scene was fantastic. Too bad it only lasted 10 minutes. Too bad the rest of the film was silly, cliched catastrophe drama. The FX are fun, but they're not taken to their full extent - it seems as if the writers only thought of the most basic, expected scenes and put them in, never coming up with any original imagery. The Tokyo hail scene is wasted. The LA twister scene is static and basic. And I'm not spoiling anything because if you saw one commercial or one preview, you've seen the whole movie. The script is so cookie cutter generic that you never feel for anybody. It's a paint-by-number film where the audience can call all the shots before they happen. Horribly predictable with lots of inappropriately tacked-on scenes. And let's not forget the gaps in logic and science. If you find yourself discussing how much was wrong with the film when you leave the theater, it wasn't a good movie.

** out of *****

Brains!!! pt. 3

Jumping back in time to 1985, we have the 3rd part of the Living Dead trilogy. The zombies are back to shuffling, but they're still eating people, and messily. In fact, this is probably the goriest of the three films, particularly if you see the Unrated version. Who knew they could make them this gross in the 80's? (Well, if you saw The Thing, you'd know). In other news, this is also the hokiest of the three. The characters are wildly cartoony and it's even comedic at times. The plot really stretches the fabric of the concept to the breaking point. As well, the soundtrack is peppy old 80's synth music which doesn't match the events at all, sucks all the scare out of it. For an underground army bunker, you'd expect something other than Star Wars cantina music. Worth seeing as the quintissential pseudo-conclusion, but be ready to giggle a little.

**1/2 out of *****

After falling head over heels for the first film in this trilogy, Night Watch, I was extremely eager for this second installment. While it certainly stands its ground beside the original, it doesn't quite surpass it. There's plenty of action, special effects, and thrills, although they tend to be brief and almost hesitant. In fact, it's much more of a thriller than a freight train of excitement. It's also more polished and executes itself with more lighthearted notes than its extremely dark and violent predecessor. Where there is lacking substance is mainly in the exposition - if you haven't seen Night Watch, you'll be completely lost. Even if you have, a number of plot points go by with little explanation. Also, the hows and whys of the Day Watch members' powers still remains a mystery, seeming to be able to do practically anything imaginable at the drop of a hat. Then again, the feeling that the series is barely staying on the rails concerning logic is a persistent experience from the prior film. Also missing, to my great chagrin, are the brilliant animated english subtitles - all you get is plain white text this time around. Due to the success of Day Watch, this sequel has a bigger budget, and nowhere is it more apparent than in the last 30 minutes in a scene that puts the best catastrophe epics to shame, not to mention the nearly 150-minute length. Unfortunately, the final installment, Twilight Watch, is being produced by FOX and filmed in english, so it might not be so bad that this film ends pretty conclusively by itself.

**** out of *****

Zombiefest!

You just can't watch the rated version of this, you'd be missing so much. Another early Peter Jackson masterpiece, the full budget of which appears to have gone into the FX instead of any other part of the film. It's Evil Dead 2 times ten. It's horribly, terribly gory. It's also hysterically funny. From the little hints and foreshadowing at the beginning to the historic bloodbath climax, you will ask yourself over and over, "Why am I still watching this?" Especially when the guy's digestive tract chases our hero around the house. Or when the zombie baby invades the children's park. Or when the zombies have sex on the kitchen table. Do I need to mention that it's not for the faint of heart? It's unrated for a reason. Yet, it's so campy and funny, it manages to remain borderline tolerable for die hard viewing.

**1/2 out of *****

The plot of this film is that Mr. Lazarescu, an elderly man of 60-some years old, gets sick. His neighbors call an ambulance and he's driven around to various hospitals all night long, receiving poor and rude treatment from various quacks, while he slowly dies. Did I mention that this is billed as a comedy? My expectations for the film were completely unmatched by the reality. Knowing what I know now, I can't imagine why anyone would subject themselves to this grossly overlong (150 minutes), depressing, drudgerous, completely boring slice-of-life in Romania. Unbelieveably, after sitting through two hours waiting for the man to just die already, in the great footsteps of the atrocious film "Cache", the movie just ends, right before a less cruel filmmaker would normally put a satisfying conclusion one way or the other. And this is the first film of a 6-part series. I wasted two and a half hours of my life watching this film so you won't have to.

* out of *****

N/A

Have you ever been told a joke by someone who just is not funny? Told by another person, it could be humorous, but in this way it's just stupid. That's Death To Smoochy. What could be a good joke is told badly. Very badly. You understand why events in the movie happen, but it's as if the story is told by a mentally handicapped person. Genres are mixed in ways they never should be, Robin Williams' usual good crazy humor is now bad crazy humor that you don't laugh at, lines and events don't make sense, the movie is just plain cruel. Not cruel funny, but cruel mean, like it wants you to hate it. So I did. This movie perfectly demonstrates that you can go go beyond black humor and into bad taste.

*1/2 out of *****

Ocean documentary

This documentary, narrated by Pierce Brosnan, is what Jim Cameron's "Aliens of the Deep" should have been. It casually focuses on ocean scenes from the tropics to the arctic to the marianas trench. Whales, penguins, birds, fish, seahorses, jellyfish, coral, sharks, dolphins, polar bears, you name it. Better yet, they carefully picked scenes that were the most fascinating and exhilarating, many events I'd never seen before (and I watched a lot of nature docs as a kid). Accompanied by a slow, soaring, orchestral soundtrack, the pace is only a little faster than Winged Migration, i.e. a snail's crawl. This is good if you like to savor gorgeous imagery, but not if you have a short attention span. Regrettably, there are a few minor flaws such as the sporadic nature of Brosnan's monologue. While a crappy actor, he's a natural-born narrator. I just wish he'd narrate a little more here because many scenes go by and you wonder, "What is that?" but no one tells you. Also, the film is rather heavy on some glorious, but deeply violent scenes of predation. The shots are amazing, but the pace of the film drags them out forever. The token message at the end and the lack of it within the film is also a bit dated, considering all the news lately about the disappearing arctic ice, overfishing, and loss of habitat. Overall, definitely a great doc for those who love the ocean.

**** out of *****

Lost in Georgia

Much has been said about this classic film of evil hillbillies, so I thought I'd check it out. It turns out that the full first half of the film details a river trip. When they finally get to the confrontational parts, it's definitely a shocking and scary scene as reported, but it becomes a scene that I've seen repeated in many films over and over, including Very Bad Things and, more recently, Mean Creek. The rest of the movie is full of somewhat poor film tricks and survival. The performances are excellent and the river shots are as clear as if the movie was made in the 90s. It's a great thriller, but sorta poops out in the end, trying to stretch itself through the last lap. It also features Burt Reynolds in an atypical role before the moustache, when he looked suitably beefy.

**** out of *****

Sequel to El Mariachi.

This film is where Rodriguez hits his best stride. All the action and craziness of a Tarantino (who even cameos) film, and it feels like you're watching a comic book. A cross between From Dusk Till Dawn and Pulp Fiction. The action is completely over-the-top and I've never seen Antonio Banderas so thoroughly enjoyable since maybe Four Rooms, which Rodriguez also collaborated on (see, there's a lot of Tarantino/Rodriguez crossover). On top of that, the film is utterly hysterical. It's as funny as it is wild, zany, and action-filled. All-star cast, as well, with some of my favorite backup actors (such as Danny Trejo), but they tend to be mostly filler around Banderas - they appear and disappear irrelevantly to the plot. This movie alone makes me wish for a trilogy box set to own.

**** out of *****

Spanish ghost story

This film is the unofficial second part of director Guillermo del Toro's Grimm's Fairy Tales-style trilogy, of which the first part is Cronos and the last part is the soon-to-be-released Pan's Labyrinth (think Henson's 'Labyrinth' for adults). It's a deeply gritty drama/ghost story set during the Spanish revolution involving sex, crime, and the supernatural at a remote monastery. The structure of the film reminds me of the thriller 'Below' in its handling of ghosts and the series of events. The film starts out despairingly and just gets worse from there, ending (a little predictably) in a very brutal Lord of the Flies fashion. The pacing is set to keep the viewer attached without being dull and features an alarming amount of calculated and what would normally be prohibited violence against children. It does tell a great story and in a quite gripping style that really kicks in at about the 2/3rds mark. Definitely worth checking out if you can handle it.

****1/2 out of *****

Ok, now this is the most egregious transformation of the Bond series into comic book hackery. The film is nearly a parody of previous efforts. I felt like I was watching a satire of 007 movies - turns out I actually was: this film is a vague remake of Moonraker. Extreme surfing, killer lasers, invisible cars, rocket sleds, Dick Tracy-style bad guys. Performances were totally corny and over-the-top. Halle Berry as a Bond girl/American spy actually detrimented the plot by just getting caught all the time. The plot is something about a killer satellite (haven't we seen this before?) and I simply couldn't keep up my suspension of disbelief. I gave up and treated it like a cartoon; if that's the way Ian Fleming's creation had originally been intended, this would've received a higher score. But this had more in common with Austin Powers. Viewed that way, it was fun, but completely unworthwhile as a serious Bond film, the genre which at this point became a joke about itself. No wonder they reinvented it for Casino Royale.

** out of *****

This is one of my favorite Henson productions. I'm a big fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle live-action movies (except #3, bleah), significantly due to the fantastic and brilliant complex animatronics. The believeability was fascinating, and that same technology was carried over into the Dinosaurs tv series, depicting a nearly pre-Simpsons dysfunctional family, and producing some of the most consistent Henson Studios comedy work. While a few episodes are more filler than others and the costumes start to show flaws after watching twenty in a row, the scripts are both original enough and supported by enough laughs to stay entertaining. As the series progresses, it even begins to become self-aware, and by the end of the 2nd season (of 4 seasons), it's making 4th-wall jokes sometimes twice per episode. The morals, while sometimes trite, are often still valid today, sometimes creepily so when concerning politics, and the character FX , with the exception of some bad greenscreen, look like they were made yesterday. I can't imagine how fantastic the show would look if it were remade today, especially if it retained the comforting innocence of the original.

****1/2 out of *****

A family gets trapped in an old ghost town.

I don't know if this movie is stupid on purpose or accidentally. Let's split up (3 times). Let's hike through the barren desert back to the old gas station of scary people. Let's stay overnight in an abandoned town after our car's vanished and we've found a video of some kids being hunted down. Nothing is explained. The resolution is completely non-threatening. The whole movie is just silly. Characters made decisions that made no contextual sense. Editing was rock-bottom poor. There's a reason there's a Direct-To-Video market.

*1/2 out of *****

It's pretty easy to sum up the movie since it's mostly a carrier for some showoff parkour tricks and cliches. Parts of France are fenced off about a decade from now and ruled by an overacting drug lord. An indestructible, gymnastically-inclined cop and native area resident try to stop him. That's pretty much all there is to it. The parkour tricks are neat, but aside from that there's nothing but fistfights and foot chases. Eventually, it just devolves into a steel cage match, ripped right out of wrestling shows. The plot has a single line of tension running through it that, by itself, is mildly engaging, but beyond that it's just a mimic of some of the lower forms of American testosterone entertainment. There isn't even much in the way of FX. Merely passable action.

** out of *****

A statement about Israeli/Palestinian relations

This is one of those instances where the trailer for a film is particularly deceptive when compared to the actual film that's delivered. The preview for Divine Intervention consists of explosions, superheroes, and comedy. The movie itself almost completely consists of unnarrated, obscure vignettes that play out slowly enough to put artsy French comedies to shame. Imagine a guy standing in front of a window, motionless, in silence, for several minutes. Or a close-up of two people rubbing their hands together for several minutes. Repeat that scene three or four times. The whole idea is to show the lives of an Israeli man and a Palestinian woman attempting to rendezvous together, but it's depicted with a notable anti-Israeli slant and with so much metaphor and symbolism that it's very hard to know what the director is trying to convey. Luckily, a number of the scenes have a bit of humor to them, so it's not a complete waste of time. But those elements are few and far between. What you're left with is a very slow and very difficult to understand film that bores more than it enlightens.

*1/2 out of *****

1964 Kubrick black comedy about nukes.

Was this the birth of wacky dark comedies? I usually can't stand old films, but Dr. Strangelove was the birthplace of so many modern cliches. Peter Sellers managed to play three distinct roles so adeptly that I never realized they were all him until afterwards. Tons of memorable lines. Unfortunately, it did tend to drag when it wasn't being crazy, usually in the airplane scenes. And I'm sure the ending was more shocking back in the day.

***1/2 out of *****

Physical comedy is funny.

Maybe I'm just a lowbrow comedy fan at heart. Not too low, I don't go for bad fart jokes or booger humor. But gimme a hit to the groin or whack in the head for comedy and I'm entertained. Really, that's all I need. Ninety minutes of throwing dodgeballs at people is pure entertainment. While it's no Academy Award fodder, throw in a zanier-than-usual Ben Stiller as antagonist and a strangely loveable Vince Vaughn (despite the opening credits) and classic goofball comedy makes for a great unwind and relax method of entertainment with cameos galore and despite the not-unexpected level of predictability. Don't fall for the alternate-ending commentary hoax, tho. It's a joke, too. The rest of the special features are worth a look. And stay for the credits.

**** out of *****

Military vs werewolves

Saw this one on a recommendation. Right off the bat, it loses points for over-the-line gore. Dead guys are one thing, but I don't need to have a long, close look at a river of his insides. It's just unnecessary to the film and mars the viewer experience. This happens at least half a dozen times. Some have said the werewolf FX is hokey, but I rather liked it. Finally, no CGI. It gets great kudos for not taking itself seriously, either - lots of Evil Dead-style humor moments. Fun, not deep.

**1/2 out of *****

Movie version of the videogame Doom 3

At its heart, this is pure Hollywood schlock. You've got your gun battles, your monster attacks, your team of marines getting picked off one by one, your gruesome autopsy scenes, and a big final fistfight. That's pretty much all there is to the film. While it's entertaining enough to be a popcorn-flick, there's very little new under the sun. It's based on Doom 3, the most recent iteration, which probably disappoints purists who would rather see the original concept. It doesn't even stick to its source material, discarding demons from hell for gory mutations. It's strange that they show so much blood, but won't use the concept of demonic invasion. It takes forty minutes of skulking around in the facility before you even get particularly underway. There's loads of in-jokes for gamers and the monster FX are pretty neat (check out the creature featurette in the extras). The only really clever bit is the first-person montage near the end. Otherwise, it's just a teen-oriented monster movie that's been wrung through a focus group.

*** out of *****

AI-assisted romance

If you're looking for a middle-of-the-road, mildly amusing, unenthusiastic romance, this would be it. The key pivots of the film are around the debate on whether love is valid after it's been deconstructed into its chemical and physiological interactions, and an AI children's toy. The characters never get particularly heated and there are moments of light humor. While the film doesn't plunge into any cinematic pitfall, it never really goes anywhere, either, and the ending has little to no impact. Quirky, but not outstanding by any means.

**1/2 out of *****

Sometime in the past few years, someone recommended this film while I was on a crime noir fling. I don't remember who it was and nobody owned up to it. Back then, it was still unreleased on DVD, but now it is and it worked its way up my queue. Finally, having seen it, I'm pleased to say that it was worth the wait. This is the noir-est of the noir, super old school hard-boiled, telling the story of an insurance saleman trying to score an inside job. Imagine the detective smoking a cigarette in a dark, dingy office when the dame walks in. Her dress clung to her hips like saran wrap, her legs went all the way up to the penthouse, etc. Yeah, it's exactly like that, first-person narration and everything, cliche enough to be inadvertently funny at times. The plot doesn't really have any twists since it gives away the ending right at the outset. But the story is engaging and fun to follow. The dialogue's cheesiness helps you get through the slow parts enough to reach the next significant turn of events. It even still manages to inspire tension as the plot progresses and the noose tightens. A good, representative classic of its genre.

**** out of *****

The last days in Hitler's bunker

You have to screw up a lot of courage to watch this film, not just because of the subject matter, but because it requires a level of justification to the self as to why a person would want to watch such a thing. Oddly enough, the film is surprisingly spectacular. It's equal parts war drama, political thriller, and dramatization of actual events, albeit from the losing side. It vividly depicts the major players of the reich (including a horrifying treatment of Goebbels by Ulrich Matthes, the same guy from Ninth Day - filmed in the same year!) as Berlin is taken by the Russian army. The perspective is mostly from the POV of Hitler's secretary, although Bruno Ganz as Hitler really steals the show. The film invokes awkwardly conflicting emotions as the line between the truly insane and the clearly misguided is drawn - they're all guilty, but as situational clarity descends on the doomed bunker's inhabitants, you almost feel sorry for them. Almost. Blistering emotional and believeable performances. It also contains some visual horrors of war that are pretty graphic, but merely serve to set the scene. Even at over 2.5 hrs, it's eminently watchable from beginning to end. Highly recommended.

****1/2 out of *****

N/A

Kevin Costner in yet another unmemorable role. While this movie about a guy recovering from his wife's death has a few scare moments, it can't figure out if it's a supernatural thriller or a drama of lost love. It keeps jumping from I-miss-my-wife to my-wife-is-haunting-me! It's not a bad film, but it's just unremarkable with a sappy ending.

** out of *****

Gross-out, confused, monster B-movie

The trailer in the theater had me all excited - oh, boy, the army versus aliens! I like those (Aliens, Starship Troopers). Unfortunately, what starts off neat with a good fictional twist becomes total cheese-a-thon, disgusto-rama. You can see it's trying, there's a great movie under there trying to claw its way out, but the lowest common denominator absolutely unnecessary gross-outs, creatively cut-off B-grade monster, and really bad climax drown out the neat stuff underneath. This is basically a really bad rewrite of Stephen King's 'Tommyknockers'. An excellent example of how King has gone downhill since then (he wrote this one, too).

**1/2 out of *****

Inner-city kid goes to college to join the drum corps.

I was very concerned that this would be hard to digest with a deeply urban flair that I wouldn't identify with. I was very wrong and I'm very happy about it. True, there's attitude and gangsta behavior, but it's mightily overshadowed by the feel-good presence of the film and the attitude turns in the audience's favor as it becomes a cheering point to the character's progression. Plenty of comedy liberally added, too. There's a tolerably amusing reversal of token white characters as well which is treated with due respect. The drum corps scenes are not only engaging, but exciting, especially the finale. Who knew marching bands could be this cool? I only wish there'd been more breadth of music styles than just hiphop/r&b. This film is a must-see.

**** out of *****

The Dukes meet Dumb & Dumber

I didn't want to see this movie, but I was outvoted. Truly, it was everything I expected. If they were replaced with Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels, I probably wouldn't've known the difference. The original tv show was lively due to the stereotypically cast and overacted characters, but this film version has totally neutered every single one of them. It's a name-actor driven film. Boss Hogg is unrecognizeable as played by Burt Reynolds and Roscoe's inept goofiness is nowhere to be seen - replaced by some humorless escapee from a prison flick. Daisy Duke, as played by Jessica Simpson, contributes one joke, repeatedly, to the film, merely driving down the value. The only redeeming value are the car chases, which are a guilty pleasure. Otherwise, this is a humorless, unfunny lowest-common denominator film.

*1/2 out of *****